sliding in the mud of self doubt

Funny that I live in a place intended to foster community and yet I just want to hide in a corner with a book. My introverted tendencies seem to get stronger by the day. The rest of the staff here is burned out, down to core. This is a retreat center, yet where does the staff go when they need to get away? They need to retreat from retreating. I'm the fresh new face on staff. I should be the glue that holds us all together, the community builder and peace maker for a community designed to help people build relationships. I should be picking up the slack and helping the overburdened carry their weight. And yet I'm screwing up at every turn. My pitiful attempt at community building failled miserably. You see, this community is in transition and as with any transition there are a few bumps along the way. I should be good at transitioning by now. Afterall I've been in transition for roughly a year. It was just over a year ago that I buried all my neatly laid plans and a silver engagement ring beneath a rock somewhere in the wide open empties of Montana. I stood on that hilltop on that windy January day, arms outstretched, I could see forever and I was so sure I was going to fly. But on the way back down to solid ground I slid and fell in the slippery Montana clay. I washed those jeans but the mud of self-doubt is harder to wash away. I've been trying to fly ever since, but that mud is just weighing me down.